When I was in high school I never imagined I would grow up and move out to become the worm that I am. I figured I’d have a lot of friends and I would always be busy. But here I am, yet another Saturday night and I’m alone doing almost nothing. This was my whole life in high school and I was just dying to get out. Every Friday Saturday and Sunday doing drawing after drawing after drawing, using my imagination. No wonder my social skills have gone out the window. It was all I wanted to have a healthy over abundant social life and be able to put all the fun ideas and experiences I thought of into action, but instead all my hard efforts to be exciting and make great experiences blew up in my face and instead I felt the scrambling feeling of loneliness and jealousy wriggle up inside me on a more and more constant basis. It was getting tiring, the disappointment, the neverending stream of weekends mostly alone. I’m 22 and I’ve only drank heavily with friends a small handful of times. Friend? What even is the word? What is a friend? I feel like there’s a whole army of people who care about me but no one who shares my mind, no one who wants to hear my thoughts and say “goddamn that is exciting! Yes, I want to do those things with you, I want to be wild and exciting and have experiences like the people in indie films do” but no one does. And there’s something wrong with me. For some reason I’m not invited to the gatherings of people I know about and trust, it’s only the strangers who I barely know or trust that invite me to their shindigs, I tried to go to those type of deals but it was always awkward not really knowing anyone, so I stopped going. Things fell in out and in between with the people I wanted so badly to call friends until striving to be a part of their world got redundant and it seemed my efforts would never amount to anything. So to try to make myself happier or at least stable. It helped. It took a while but knowing that a handful of people I tried so hard to win over hated me and wanted nothing to do with me helped me fall deeper into my loneliness, only this time I accepted it and didnt try to fight it. I was okay with the idea of being a hermit, because I didn’t care anymore, there was no one. No one but me, ….and this one guy who lived a half hour away and cared about me but I didn’t see him very often and he seemed kind of bored with me, he didnt want to be a part of my exciting experiences either. But because he was far away part of me clinched to him so much harder since he was all I had, but deep down all I now wanted was to be able to leave everyone including him alone and sink down into this large fluffy pillow of loneliness, slowly bit by bit I was letting go, I wasn’t caring anymore and I didn’t even want to be happy anymore. I didn’t want to hang out with people, I didn’t want to have fun and for once all the exciting ideas and experiences went away completely mostly because all the people I had wanted to share them with had too.
But then all of a sudden, like an angry bee that you swat away, it all came running back. The jealousy the hurt the loneliness. It was all there, because the people came back, I was still afraid of them but yet just like before, I wanted to be a part of them, but I knew that couldn’t be, they wanted to join the army of people that cared about me but yet still no one wanted to be brave enough to reach deep into my chest and writhe their hand around and grab my heart, no one wanted to come be a part of my excitement and no one wanted me to be a part of theirs. And that was fine when no one talked and no one cared and no one was around, but now that they were it only hurt and I hated it. All the hurt came back, the jealousy and rejection and loneliness. It’s fresh, it’s real and it’s so very alive. It’s hastily turning into rage and I hate everyone except Michael and I don’t wanna talk to anyone but him because nothing has changed, I’m still lost in the darkness and none of them can see me and they don’t want me and I just wanna disappear or destroy myself, instead of managing some kind of sad stability I’m in a whirl of fragmented and horrifying feelings that I can’t contain or control. The tears only bring things to a deeper dangerous level and I have no idea what to do except the only thing I know, the only thing that keeps me almost stable, if anything it makes me feel good, makes me smile just thinking of it cause it is something and it is real and i feel something that is not this loud painful tension in my chest. The texts only make it worse as my questions and curiousity and hatred and jealousy grow fast like weeds in spring. As the vibrations of my cell come to a halt I feign normalcy and decide to take off into the subcities of my own demise. I will not say a word, only to him only to him and I will do what I want because the ice is thin oh yes it’s thin and in this couch I am drowning from too many nights alone and this message is becoming poetry because my brain is only so so and my heart needs you to go yes my heart needs you to go.